My oldest son came to me last week with a horrified look on his face after using the bathroom.
Tyler: Mom, I don't know how to tell you this but I have a problem.
Me: What is it?
Tyler: Well, I just pooped and well it hurt a lot and then there was.......blood. Mom, I had blood on my POOP and when I wiped my butt. I think I need to go to the doctor.
Me: Oh quit being dramatic, you just tore an o ring you'll live.
See that's where I went wrong.
Tyler: (horrified look) What. Is. An. O ring? and what do you mean I tore it?
Me: Oh it's just the part of your body that helps you poop.
I thought that would be enough for him, but oh no he wanted an explanation and pictures.
I looked up hemorrhoids for him to explain what had happened and he was very disturbed.
He says oh so it's a muscle. Ok.
A few days have gone by and I thought he forgot all about it. I was wrong.
Today he told me his butt won't stop itching and when he farts it sounds like "uh oh"
After I wiped my tears away and stopped laughing I said it sounds like he needs to wipe better. He said oh no, I wiped my butt good and it hurt. I told him he needs to drink more water so that his poop isn't so hard. I looked up home remedies and it said you can try cream to help with itching. He was not impressed.
Me: here Tyler it says you can use some cream, and I showed him a tube of hydrocortisone cream.
His eyes got so big and he said There is NO way you are putting that in my butt!
Me: I'm not going to put it on your butt, you can
Tyler: You expect me to shove cream up my butt?
Me: sputtering, NO I mean you can put it on where it itches.
Tyler: yeah, that sounds an awful lot like you want me to put it in my butt.
Me: Laughing hysterically......... OK never mind drink more water and have some fiber.
