The best pick up line, ever

It's been a while since I have written one of these. I have been told they may  be amusing.

On the way home from Costco tonight Nathan asked me if it was a law in Germany that you have to help someone if they are hurt.  I thought that was an odd question.  I asked why he wanted to know, he said his teacher told him that she lived in Germany and that there is a law there that you have to help people.  I told him I did not know the answer but if his teacher told him that I am sure she knew what she was talking about.
I went on to explain that in America we have a Good Samaritan Law.  I explained about how some religions do not allow certain medicines or they do not believe in blood transfusions.  I told him how if someone were to go help a stranger and they did something to hurt them in the process that the Good Samaritan Law protects the helper from being Sued.  I said your teacher is saying that if you witness someone needing help and do not give them aid you could be in trouble in Germany.
Nathan asked why would you not help. I said well with all the diseases out there you may be hesitant to help someone who is bleeding. Giving mouth to mouth could cause you to get sick and so on.  Tyler in his infinite 14 year old wisdom said STDS! EW, I have the best pick up line ever Mom.  "Excuse me miss, you are very beautiful do you have any STDs?  I said yeah I don't think that's a great pick up line. Tyler says well would you say yes? I said excuse me? What?! He says no I mean would you say yes to a guy who asked you out that way?  After I stopped laughing I said let me give you some advice, I wouldn't ask a lady if she has an STD right out of the gate.  He says why not, I want to know  up front before I waste any of my time on her.........  uhhhhhh what?

Mom, what exactly is an O ring for?

My oldest son came to me last week with a horrified look on his face after using the bathroom.
Tyler: Mom, I don't know how to tell you this but I have a problem.
Me: What is it?
Tyler: Well, I just pooped and well it hurt a lot and then there was.......blood. Mom, I had blood on my POOP and when I wiped my butt. I think I need to go to the doctor.
Me: Oh quit being dramatic, you just tore an o ring you'll live.
See that's where I went wrong.
Tyler: (horrified look) What. Is. An. O ring? and what do you mean I tore it?
Me: Oh it's just the part of your body that helps you poop.
I thought that would be enough for him, but oh no he wanted an explanation and pictures.
I looked up hemorrhoids for him to explain what had happened and he was very disturbed.
He says oh so it's a muscle. Ok.
A few days have gone by and I thought he forgot all about it. I was wrong.
Today he told me his butt won't stop itching and when he farts it sounds like "uh oh"
After I wiped my tears away and stopped laughing I said it sounds like he needs to wipe better. He said oh no, I wiped my butt good and it hurt. I told him he needs to drink more water so that his poop isn't so hard.  I looked up home remedies and it said you can try cream to help with itching. He was not impressed.
Me: here Tyler it says you can use some cream, and I showed him a tube of hydrocortisone cream.
His eyes got so big and he said There is NO way you are putting that in my butt!
Me: I'm not going to put it on your butt, you can
Tyler: You expect me to shove cream up my butt?
Me: sputtering, NO I mean you can put it on where it itches.
Tyler: yeah, that sounds an awful lot like you want me to put it in my butt.
Me: Laughing hysterically......... OK never mind drink more water and have some fiber.

a day in the life of a Kindergarten boy

Hello friends and family,
My middle son Ryan has a best friend we will call her "A".  "A" is always giving Ryan gum and other little things like silly bands on the bus ride home.  They are both in Kindergarten but not the same class, however they have recess at the same time and apparently they always play together and they sit by each other on the bus.  Yesterday Ryan told me that it was "A's" birthday today and that he wanted to buy her a princess gift. Well it was after 7 so I told him we could not go to the store but he could make her a card and we would find something around the house to give her. We found a heart shaped silly band and he decided to give her one of our homemade crayons. He colored her a picture and put them all in an envelope labeled "A" you're my best friend.  He was very excited to give "A" her gift, he even thought she would give him a  hug, then he said I hope she doesn't.
I waited all day to find out how "A" liked her birthday present. Ryan gets off the bus and I ask how she liked it, He says it wasn't even her birthday. She lied to me so I would give her something! I then ask well when is her birthday? Ryan said she doesn't know.  Then he tells me she kept the crayon and silly band but gave him back the picture, apparently "A" doesn't like paper......

As we are walking home he then informs me that "A" gave him money to go buy himself something for his birthday next week, sure enough he had $2.00 in his back pack!

note to self, some lessons are better taught after dinner....

Hello friends and family,
I have decided to start my own blog, why not everyone else has one! Ok well maybe not everyone but I have been told by many people they enjoy my stories about my crazy boys and well facebook only gives you so many lines and sometimes it is just not enough. I hope you enjoy it because I sure get a kick out of my little men.
So there we were eating dinner, very nutritious I assure you, ok well maybe it was just Tyson chicken nuggets and corn.  My sweet little Nathan asked me a very poignant question.
Nathan: Mom? Do we eat poop?
 Me: NO! Why would you ask me that?
 Nathan: Well then how do I have poop in my belly?
Me: Thinking how this is  a great time to explain how when we eat food our body uses it for fuel and whatever it can't use it turns into poop..... that's where I went wrong. I should have realized that telling little boys about poop is going to cause a ruckus and that maybe I should wait until after dinner. Ryan was fascinated and started piling his food up saying look at how much poop I'm going to make and oh I can feel the poop now.  Tyler being the oldest and wisest just told him he was gross and to keep eating. Well Nathan got mad because he already did not want to eat his corn and with this new found knowledge of how poop was made, something he really hates doing, that's a whole other story, well he decided he really didn't want to eat the corn now, so he threw his plate (luckily for him it was plastic) across the table and onto the floor.  Now our two dogs are not allowed to eat the food off the floor because one of them is allergic to most things and corn being the worst for him, well our dogs just sat there looking at me like oh hell he poked the bear! Now Chloe had corn all over her and just sat there looking at Nathan like oh what have you done?! I told Nathan to clean it up, he did not want to, but let's just say I persuaded him that it would be in his best interest to clean it. After he cleaned the floor and I picked the corn out of Chloe's fur, I asked him why he did that and what did he think was going to happen? His answer, well I thought I would not have to eat it and that you would clean it up and tell me to just go play........
I get paroled in 40- 50 years come visit me...